Giving Up ‘Mostly Everything’ to Care for His Wife

Abdou Travare and his wife, Ramata Travare, at home in the Bronx. He stopped working in 2013 to care for Mrs. Travare, who has diabetes, heart disease and dementia. CreditMichelle V. Agins/The New York Times

“Don’t scratch it.”

Those were the first words Abdou Travare’s wife, Ramata, ever spoke to him. He was from Senegal and she was from Mali, but they met on a street in Paris. Both were attending college in France. Mr. Travare had stopped to examine her car, the same make and model as the one he drove, except hers was white and his was green.

Just do not get too close to it, she warned him, a playful request that led to a short conversation, an exchange of names and a few laughs. The next day, Mr. Travare intentionally parked his car next to hers, and flirtatiously tried to use his key to open her car door.

She was smitten. Five years later, in 1980, the couple married. “We’ve been with each other for a while now,” Mr. Travare, 60, said.

Over the past 30 years, they have faced challenges together, including a lengthy time apart in the mid-1980s. During a vacation to San Francisco, Mr. Travare became so fond of the city that he decided to stay and pursue a master’s degree in international finance at Golden Gate University. Three years went by before Mrs. Travare, who had stayed in Mali, was able to join her husband in the United States.

Mr. Travare’s job in financial management, one that required him to travel so often that he had to add pages to his passport, allowed him to return to Africa a few times each year to see his wife.

He held different jobs in the decades that followed. Whenever career stress overwhelmed him, Mrs. Travare was always there with encouragement and support, he said.

In 2009, they moved to New York City. Soon after, Mr. Travare noticed his wife was behaving oddly. “After so many years, you know the person,” he said. “You can just see something is not quite right.”

Mrs. Travare would stare into space or turn on the stove only to leave it unattended. She became obsessed with cleaning and turning on every light in a room.

 the cognitive aftereffect of an unnoticed stroke she had had years before. She already had diabetes and heart disease, and now she was slipping into dementia.

The condition worsened over time. Mrs. Travare, 59, now barely speaks, and when she does, her command of English has drastically changed. Many days, she is barely able to leave her bed, and she needs Mr. Travare’s help to walk everywhere, including the bathroom.

He stopped working in 2013 to care for her. “I left everything, mostly everything, to be by her side,” he said.

But every so often, despite the grave diagnosis, Mr. Travare said, he sees glimpses of his wife’s former self.

“I believe one day she will get better and be the same again,” he said. “I still believe it. That’s what keeps me going.”

Mr. Travare receives $733 in Social Security Insurance benefits each month. The couple also receive $215 in Social Security benefits and $350 in food stamps each month. He has spent much of his savings, and has struggled to pay their $1,335 monthly rent. By this past summer, they were more than $11,000 in arrears.

Catholic Charities Archdiocese of New York, one of the eight organizations supported by The New York Times Neediest Cases Fund, helped prevent the couple’s eviction. Staff members from the organization’s HomeBase program secured for the Travares a one-time emergency grant from the city’s Human Resources Administration for $9,300. Catholic Charities also contributed $300 in Neediest funds toward their back rent.

Mr. Travare, who once trotted the globe, now rarely leaves his Bronx apartment, a place so bursting with possessions that a three-piece sofa sits in the middle of their kitchen. Their home is crammed with additional pieces of furniture, appliances, paintings and numerous other items, remnants of more prosperous times when the Travares had larger living quarters.

Whenever Mr. Travare is able to venture out, it is usually to take his wife to a doctor’s appointment, or to pick up groceries and phone cards to call their families in Africa. Sometimes, he takes his wife to dinner. Much of his remaining free time is spent cooking, cleaning and looking after her.

“I don’t see it as a job, I see it as a pleasure,” he said. “Anything she needs from me, I will be here.”

P.C: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/27/nyregion/neediest-cases-fund-mali-and-senegal.html